This song is so perfect.
I still have yet to break any promise I made to you never lied to you. Whether you think I did or not. That’s the truth.
Everything no matter what the fuck I do never goes right. Im just so fucking sick of everything I can’t take it anymore. I want out of this fucking town, out of this house and out of my own damn body. I just hate everything and everyone and I just can’t do this anymore I can’t go on pretending I’m happy when I’m not. I’m sick of feeling alone, and I’m sick of being let down and hurt. I’m seriously sick of breathing and living because I can’t go a fucking day with out being pissed off and let down or sad. I’m tired of struggling all the time just to get through the day.
When life around me is nothing but a battle field. Love’s bullets hit my heart never to be healed. The bombs explode and people shout, I try and find my way out. This battle was never meant to be won, so call back the troops it’s time to run. But memories are like land mines at my feet making it so much harder to retreat and now it’s time to accept defeat.
This song <3
Never mind I’ll find someone like you…. actually that would be useless because no one could be like you. I don’t think the world could handle another complete asshole like you. I’d be better off with the complete opposite of you. Which someone is already begging to fit that role, and already he’s ten times better then you ever where. I get to see him tomorrow and I can’t wait.
How can you hate someone so much but at the same time would do anything for them? Why does this have to be so damn hard and confusing? Why does this have to hurt so bad? Why can’t I just forget you? Why can’t I stop thinking about you? Why can’t I ever be happy? Why must I always be alone? I trusted you with all my heart and now I can’t trust anyone. I don’t want to get close to anyone again because I’m afraid. I was afraid before… but now I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t be hurt again I won’t be able to handle that. So now I can’t sleep. I have no apatite. I have nothing anymore, I have nothing but pain and hatred. I’m tired of pretending I’m ok. I’m not. I’ve never been ok. Because the truth is before you I was barely getting by, and then you came into my life, and I was finally happy. I could finally smile with out faking it. I finally found something that made me want to try again. But then everything changed and now I have nothing else to hold onto anymore and I hate you so much for that. I hate you for breaking me, I hate you for ruining my life. I gave my self up to so easily because I thought I could trust you. But you hurt me, you did this not me. You never told me anything you held back when I told you how much I like you I made it obvious and you said you were afraid to tell me because you didn’t want to be friend zoned? Because you feared rejection? So you friend zone me? You reject me? You lied. If you knew what it felt like to be friend zoned, if you knew what it was like to be rejected you wouldn’t do this to. If you ever cared about me if you ever liked me like you said you would care that I’m so hurt, you would care that my life is in shambles. I give up on everything. I’m so tired of losing everyone I care about and all I can ever do is just watch every time. It’s like I have no say in anything and I can’t handle that anymore. But what bothers me the most is that even when you call your self my friend, you can barely look at me for longer then five minutes. It’s not my fault, it isn’t. This is all because of you. Because you really are like every other fucking guy. As much as I tried to tell myself you weren’t as much as I wanted to believe you and my self… you’re just like them. Telling me just enough to make me want you, not telling me your feelings, your intentions. Hesitating on every question I asked. I asked you out! How is that rejecting you? How is that friend zoning you? I tried to stop our fight but you just pushed my buttons because you thought it was funny. So you think it’s funny when I cry and when I’m hurt? So you must be having a real good fucking laugh right now. You said you tried, but all you ever did was sit there and laugh at my pain. I was the one who tried, and the pathetic thing is, is I will keep trying for. It’s almost been two years since I’ve met you, almost two years since I’ve liked you, and it’s almost been three months of hell now. I hate it. I hate everything. I hate you, and mostly I hate my self for ever liking you.
of feeling alone.
There are so many things I wish I could say to you… with out you getting mad at me or calling me jealous or accusing me of lying. If only you knew what I knew, if only you heard what I have. If only you know what people have told me. You would feel stupid. But then again, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you. That’s why I can’t tell you. I don’t want to be accused a liar for speaking the truth. I don’t want you to get mad at me for speaking my mind I hate it when your mad at me, but I hate the position that I am in now, I’m not one to hold back my words, I speak my mind I say what I want but when ever I do that I get punished one way or another for it. I wish I knew you before I had any other problems with boys, because I feel like this would have turned out a whole lot different. I wish I no longer had the scars of my past to remind me of all my pain. Each scar staining my self confidence, bringing me one step closer to losing my self in the process of this thing everyone calls life, but that’s not what it is to me, this is hell because no matter what I’m in pain no matter what I get punished for things I can’t even full control, but you can’t say I never tried to stop it before it got bad.
every ounce of it not to break down when I saw you. Not to let a tear fall when you asked what was wrong. Because I can’t fully tell you whats wrong. It’s starting to seem like I don’t even know what’s wrong with me anymore. It’s like I’m actually gone now. It feels like only yesterday that we hung out for the first time and I remember every minute of it. But I know it wasn’t yesterday because the way I feel now, is the complete opposite of the way I felt then. That night I did something I never did before I found the courage to ask for something I wanted and even though you said no then, I was still happy, because I knew I could still talk to you I knew that again I was going to feel happy again because I knew I was going to be able to be in your arms again. But now I know that I’ll never be able to feel your arms around me again and it hurts and just reminds of so much stuff I try to suppress. Though it’s gotten to the point where I am really trying so hard to let go and forget it but it hurts more then anything, no matter what it hurts. I don’t want to live feeling like this, remembering so much pain, but I can’t forget it and trying to hurts just as much. So now all of it’s coming out and I can no longer hide behind fake smiles. I can’t sit in class anymore with out being over whelmed by every little though. I can’t lay down to sleep with out thinking about you and I lay awake at night so often now wishing to sleep, crying until I can’t anymore, crying until I have cried my self to sleep. Then I only wake up once again to the thought of you. It’s as if you’re an illness to my mind everything is now. I’m so tired physically and emotionally and my mind and body just feels so weak and they want to give up, and my heart it feels so broken. My throat and chest burn and I just want it all to end. I want to stop thinking the way I do. I want to be completely different. I don’t want to feel so alone anymore. I just want to be held. Because I feel like I’m being torn apart and I want someone to hold me together. I just want things to change for once because these last three months have been like hell to me, every turn I take just adds more to my plate and frustrates me, it’s all just setting me off. I can’t keep up the role I’ve played for so long because it really is all just an act. My smiles, me saying I’m ok, me saying I’ll get better. I’ve said that so many times, I’ve said it for so long, that each time I say it, it seems more like a fantasy, the less I begin to believe that it might actually happen. No matter what I do I either hurt someone or I get hurt. I’m sick of hurting other people and I’m sick of being hurt. I just want all of it to end.
(via whatificantf0rgetyou)
The same one I once said to you, made me lose it. Hearing them made me realize how true they really where and it just broke my heart even more and made me break down and cry. I wish I could go back and stop my self from everything I ever did wrong because I mean it when I say I really care about you, and that I like you a lot, and I never meant to get out of hand. I was just confused and mad and scared because I didn’t want to get hurt. But because of how stupid I was because of my insecurities and how fast I jumped to conclusions I ruined it all. If only you understood how hard I would try to make everything work and to make you happy. If only you understood the true meaning behind every word I say to you. I care about you so much and I would do anything for you. It hurts me so much to when you think I lie to you or think I’m being a bitch. I don’t mean for it to come off that way ever.You don’t understand how much I would truly give for you. How much I wish for things to change and go back to how they where. Already I tried to show you how different I can be how well I can keep my emotions under control. But you ignore every one of my efforts because you are to stuck on what I did instead of what I am doing and what I will do. It drives me crazy know things will never go back to how they were, because right now I can’t look at any guy like I looked at you, I can’t think of any guy the same way I think of you. Your still the first person I think about each morning and the last each night even though I don’t send you the good morning txt and the nighty night txts to show it like I used to. I stopped those because when ever I would send them I just felt hurt because you wouldn’t send back you usual replies. I just miss everything we had, I miss how you made me feel. But now all I have are my dreams and I guess that will have to do.
While you saw my smiles and me acting as if everything was ok, I was really in tears screaming as everything seemed to blow up in my face, I never felt so unsafe in my own house, because every wall was a threat to my fist, and ever knife calling for my wrist. That’s how you make me feel sometimes, and I can’t let it out anymore with out you getting mad at me! I have to hold it in threatening my very life. Either way I don’t win so what does it matter?
(Source: lovelikenicole, via flammable-skirt)